


Exodus According to Harry Potter

by Liesha130



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Harry Potter/Bible Parody, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 23:29:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10581726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liesha130/pseuds/Liesha130
Summary: Harry is called upon by Dumbledore to free the House Elves from the evil Pharaoh Voldemort.Just some lighthearted poking fun at both the Exodus story and at Harry Potter. If either concept is offensive to you, please feel free to skip this story.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Neither the Harry Potter series nor its characters in any way belong to me. I am not making money off of this story. Also, Exodus does not belong to me either. (So, J.K. Rowling and God, respectively, please don't smite me. Thank you.)
> 
> I wrote this and another story a couple years ago for a friend of mine, Jeremy, as a present for his Bar Mitzvah. I'm posting it here with his permission. I would like to thank him for the inspiration he gave me.
> 
> This is the first fanfiction that I'm actually posting. It's not in my usual style, which might be why I think it's good enough to post. :/ Let me know what you think.
> 
> Two small notes: 1) I used Lemon Drops because that's what it says in the American version, and since this was a parody I felt no need to Brit Pick. 2) I chose Sirius Black as the prankster rather than the Weasley Twins because Sirius was actually a member of the Order of the Phoenix. It just seemed to work at the time.
> 
> This is a Passover story, so I thought Erev Pesach was a good time to post it. Happy Passover, everybody!

      One day, as Harry Potter was sitting outside his tent in Privet Drive Desert, the bush he was watching (the only one that grew in the whole desert, incidentally) suddenly burst into flame, but it was not consumed. Harry jumped up in shock.  
      “What the heck?”  
      “Harry. Harry,” a voice called out. Harry looked around, but couldn’t see anyone.  
      “God?” he asked.  
      “Not quite,” said the voice, and an old man stepped out from behind the burning bush. “Hello, Harry. My name is Albus Dumbledore.” He held out his hand, and Harry shook it. “Harry, I need you to go down to the land of Pureblood Manor and free the house-elves from slavery under the evil Pharaoh Voldemort and his Overseer Lucius Malfoy, and lead them to the Promised Land of Hogwarts.”  
      “What?” Harry asked, completely confused. “What are you talking about? What are house-elves and Hogwarts and Voldemort? And why me?”  
      “Oh, I’m sorry,” Dumbledore apologized. “I’m leaving out vital information. You’re a wizard, Harry, with magical powers. Like how I set the bush on fire.” He waved his wand, which hadn’t been in his hand a second ago, and the burning bush suddenly went out, looking even greener and healthier than it had been before. “See?”  
      “Not really,” Harry said.  
      “Well, Harry, long story short, the house-elves are small creatures that are forced to follow their Master’s orders, the land of Pureblood Manor belongs to Lucius Malfoy, and Lord Voldemort has crowned himself Pharaoh over all the land and made Malfoy his Overseer, who’s in charge of his taskmasters, the Death Eaters. Hogwarts is the Promised Land of the house-elves where they can give up slavery to everyone else and serve me instead, because I’m in charge there. There’s this prophecy that says that you are the Chosen One who has to lead the house-elves to freedom. That’s really all you need to know. I’m going to give you this wand-” Dumbledore pulled another wand out of his sleeve and handed it to Harry. “- and you will be able to do wonders with it.”  
      Harry took the wand.  
      “But I still have no idea about any of this. How am I supposed to know what to say or do?”  
      “Don’t worry about that, Harry,” Dumbledore reassured him. “When you get to the land of Pureblood Manor, you will be met by two of my faithful servants, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Hermione has been championing the freedom of house-elves ever since she heard about their plight, and can put words in your mouth, and Ron will echo everything you say, so it will sound more impressive through numbers and repetition. Oh, and sometimes you’ll hear my voice in your head telling you what to do.”  
      “Well, okay, then,” Harry said shrugging. “I have no skills for this, and I have no idea what I’m getting myself into, but sure, I’ll go.”  
      “Good man, Harry.” Dumbledore clapped him on the shoulder. “Just try not to get lost in the Apparition Fields on your way to Hogwarts or you could end up stuck in them for forty years, and no one wants that.”  
      “Okaaaaaay,” Harry said. “Well, better get going.”

      So Harry journeyed to the land of Pureblood Manor, where he was met by Ron and Hermione. Then all three went to go see Pharaoh Voldemort to ask him if he could please, pretty please, let the house-elves go.  
      No one was surprised at his answer. “NO.”  
      Harry grasped his wand. “Serpensortia,” he yelled, because that’s what Dumbledore’s voice in his head was telling him to say.  
      A huge snake exploded out of his wand and turned, hissing, on Pharaoh Voldemort, who just laughed.  
      “You call that a snake, little boy?” he asked mockingly. “Nagini!” And out from behind his throne came an even bigger, clearly venomous snake.  
      “Harry, I don’t think the odds look too good for us right now,” Ron said, staring at Nagini in fear.  
      “It’ll be fine,” Harry asserted. “Dumbledore told me so.”  
      At that moment Harry’s snake struck out at Nagini and swallowed her whole, without getting any bigger.  
      “W-w-what?” Voldemort spluttered. “How did you do that?”  
      “I have the power of Dumbledore on my side,” Harry explained. “Which means I automatically win. You might as well give up right now.”  
      “No!” Voldemort shouted. “I will never give up. In fact, I’m going to make the house-elves do even more work from now on. Get out of my sight. And take your snake with you!”  
      “Harry, let’s go,” Hermione said anxiously, tugging at his sleeve. “There’s no use trying more now. We’ll come back after a few plagues and see if he’s changed his mind.”  
      “Okay,” Harry agreed. He Vanished his snake, and they left.

      After a few fun-filled weeks of turning Pharaoh Voldemort and his Death Eaters' water into blood and bread into lice and rain into fiery hail, and other such tricks (Harry was getting really good at magic by this time), Harry, Ron, and Hermione went back to Voldemort to ask him, once again, if he would please, pretty please, let the house-elves go.  
      “I will not!” Voldemort insisted. “You can kill all my Death Eaters and all their first born children, and I still won’t let the house-elves go. In fact, I should just kill you. That would make life much easier. Avada…”  
      “Harry, say Expelliarmus,” said Dumbledore’s voice inside Harry’s head.  
      “Okay,” said Harry. “Expelliarmus!”  
      “…Kedavra!”  
      A bright green light shot from Pharaoh Voldemort’s wand, and a bright red light shot from Harry’s wand. They connected in the middle, and then Harry forced Voldemort’s wand to show all the people he’d killed in the past for trying to free the house-elves. All the echoes of those people crowded around Voldemort, giving Harry, Ron, and Hermione a chance to get away.

      “We need a new plan,” Hermione said as the three sat planning that night. “What do you think we can do that will make him free the house-elves? I mean, we were going to kill all the first-borns next, but he already said he didn’t care about that, so we need a new idea.”  
      “Well,” Ron said, considering. “What does he care about more than anything in the world?”  
      “Killing people?” Hermione suggested.  
      “Being immortal?” Harry asked.  
      “Being supreme ruler and thinking he’s better than everyone else?” Hermione added.  
      “Being bossy?” Harry put in.  
      “Well, yes, all those things are clearly important to him,” Ron agreed. “But I think what he cares about most is looking so menacing that people are scared of him as soon as they see him. So if we take that away from him, maybe he’ll decide we’re not worth the trouble of fighting anymore.”  
      “Great idea, Ron,” Harry said enthusiastically. “But how do we do that?”  
      “I think we’re going to need help from one of Dumbledore’s Angel Order of the Phoenix. Preferably one who’s good at pranks,” Hermione mused.  
      “Sirius Black, at your service,” said the Angel who appeared next to them. “What are we scheming?”  
      They explained their idea.  
      “Okay, so I’m going to cast a spell over all the Death Eaters that will turn their robes into frilly pink dresses. Then I’ll follow that up with another spell that will make anyone looking at them burst into uncontrollable giggles, and a third spell so they won’t be able to punish the people who laugh,” Sirius decided. “There’s nothing I can do about Pharaoh Voldemort’s lack of nose and general corpselikeness, I’m afraid to say, and that is truly hideous. But hopefully people will be so caught up in laughing at him because of my spell that they won’t notice how scary he still looks. How does that sound?”  
      Harry, Ron, and Hermione were laughing too hard to answer, but Harry nodded.  
      “There’s just one catch,” Sirius went on. “It’s a really strong spell, so I’ll need you to take some melted Lemon Drops and use them to mark the doors of where all the good guys and house-elves will be staying, and you have to make sure they don’t go outside during the night while my spell is taking hold, otherwise they’ll get hit with it too. Can you do that?”  
      “Sure,” Hermione said. “We’ll spread the word. Hey, aren’t Lemon Drops Dumbledore’s favorite candy?”  
      “Sure are,” Sirius grimaced. “Whenever we need to mark something, he makes us do it with melted Lemon Drops, because it smells so good, so he says. Anyway, get those doors marked by sundown tonight, and be ready to go as soon as you can. Trust me, old Pharaoh Moldymort won’t want you sticking around after this.” He disappeared.  
      “Gee,” Harry said. “Maybe we should get some food ready.”  
      “I think it’s more important that all the house-elves have hats,” Hermione said decisively. “Cute ones with bells in the pom-poms. That way they’ll be warm and musical. You never know when we might randomly need to be musical.”  
      “Okay,” Harry said. “But I still think we should get some food. At least some crackers for the road, even if we don’t have time for bread.”

      That night all the good guys and house-elves hid in their sticky, Lemon Drop-covered houses, each with a belled hat and some crackers. In the middle of the night there was a wail like no one had ever heard before, mixed with the sounds of hysterical laughter. A voice boomed out over the land of Pureblood Manor.  
      “Harry Potter! Get out! Out! Take your stinking house-elves and get out of my land! Oh the shame of frilly pink dresses and uncontrollable laughter. No one’s scared of me! I have nothing left to live for. Get OUT!”  
      “You heard the man,” Harry shouted to everyone. “Let’s get the heck out of here.” And they all ran out, rather grateful to be away from the sticky-sweet lemon smell as much as anything else. And they kept going until they hit The Black Lake, which, for some reason, they couldn’t Apparate over, even though house-elves can Apparate pretty much everywhere else. Then they sat down to eat their crackers.

      In the meantime, Pharaoh Voldemort was trying to hold a meeting with his Death Eaters and his Overseer Lucius Malfoy, who wasn’t very happy that the house-elves had been let go, since now he had nothing to Oversee. It was hard to run the meeting, though, since they all kept laughing as soon as they looked at each other.  
      “That’s it!” Voldemort yelled in between giggles. “We’re just going to go after them and bring them back and make them lift this spell. For the life of me I can’t figure out how to undo it. And we might as well recapture the house-elves while we’re at it, and kill the leaders as soon as the curse is lifted. I don’t know what I was thinking when I told them to leave.”  
      So, laughing and giggling, and gasping for breath, the Death Eaters got on their magic brooms and followed our heroes out to The Black Lake.

      “Potter!” Voldemort wheezed between more laughter. “Come back here and undo the spell or we’ll kill you all.”  
      “You’ll kill us anyway,” Harry shouted back. “And you said we could go!”  
      “I can change my mind,” Voldemort said. “I’m evil. Who expects evil people to keep their promises?”  
      “Oh, go drown in the lake!” Harry yelled at him.  
      “Harry, that’s a great idea!” Dumbledore said in his head. “Take your wand and split the waters so you and the good guys can get through. Then, on my mark, when Voldemort and the Death Eaters try to get through after you, you put the lake back, so they’ll drown.”  
      “Okay,” Harry said. “That totally makes more sense than just using a spell to kill them.” And he did what Dumbledore told him to.

      After all the Death Eaters had drowned in The Black Lake, Hermione got all the house-elves dancing and singing praises to Dumbledore. When they were done, she smiled smugly at Harry. “See?” she said. “I told you we’d need those bells. It would have been a lot less musical without the bells, Harry.”  
      “Well sure,” Harry said. “But just wait until they start complaining about not having anything to eat. Then I bet you’ll wish we’d brought something better than crackers.”  
      “We just need to Apparate into the Promised Land of Hogwarts,” Ron reminded Harry. “We should be fine.”  
      “I guess,” Harry sighed. “Just as long as we don’t get stuck in the Apparition Fields. Dumbledore says if that happens, we’ll be stuck here for forty years. Imagine how much they can complain for food and water in forty years.”

The End


End file.
